Friday, September 27, 2013

Most people don't talk enough about how lucky they are.
Most people don't talk enough about the love in their hearts
Most people don't talk enough about their joys. 

Rambling

I love life! I'm a passionate person, I'm spontaneous, I'm enthusiastic. When I fall in love, I fall hard. I put the same passion I have for life into my love.  I get excited over the prospect of building a life with the person that I love. I had always dreamed of building a house from the ground up with my love. Our dreams are fueled by fairy tales and movies and they don't always work out the way that we wanted them to, but they work out the way that they should. Compromise is key in a relationship, with it we can change and adapt our dreams to include the other persons. My dreams and his dreams can become our dreams. So I let go of the dream of seeing my house, our house be built, from the ground up. I left go of the dream of taking part in that building. I'd like there to be a compromise instead, where we make his home " our home"  

I want some  one who will burn with a fire for me, the same intensity with which I burn for him. A desire, a passion,an enthusiasm unbound. 

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Maybe you'll read this

And maybe you'll hear me.

1. I love you ...... More than you'll ever know
2. You aren't my knight in shinning armor...... you are my Jiminy Cricket 
3.  You inspire me to be a better person for myself.
4. I want you to be my future husband, my 2nd and last marriage. 
5. I would give anything to see you smile and make you happy. 
6. I wish you could hear me.
7. I wish you'd finish that song you started about me. I wish you'd want to
8. I wish I could make your eyes light up.
9. I want to cross everything off my bucket list with you.
10. I want to build that solarium with you 
11. I wish you were interested in my blogs. My poems. Paintings. Drawings.
12. I wish you'd take me on a date. 
13. I wish I knew why I was important to you. 
14. I wish this felt more like a beginning than an end.
15. I want to plant a garden with you next spring
16. I want to go to bonnaroo with you again.
17. I want you to consider my feelings too. 
18. I want you to see all the good in us, in me. 
19. My heart aches.
20. I want you to want to be with me. 

A work in progress


a work in progress..

8/2013
This love is not a question
of how or why,
it is beauty and truth.
This love is not a fleeting fancy,
it is deep and ever flowing
like the waters of  life,
strong and true.
This love is not complicated or diluted,
it is simple and pure.
Heart to heart
I love you.
There is no end,
there was no beginning.
It just was.
Always there, beneath the surface,
hidden from us both.
Discovered in an accident of fate.
Kismet
Heart to heart
You love me.
Words remain unspoken,
in the easy silence.
A touch, a glance
can say it all.
This love is not a fantasy, 
This love is a dream born into reality,
a lifetime ago. 

Say Anything

Where's the guy wearing a tan trench coat standing in the rain outside my bedroom window holding a boom box over his head playing our song? 

Where's the guy that will take a stand for me? Whose willing to take a risk to be with me? Where is the guy who will love me no matter who I am? Who will accept all of me, all my chaos, my calm, my laughter, my tears, my courage and my fears? 

Where is his voice? I know he loves me. Up until recently that knowledge has been enough. Now it is starting not to be. All I wish for is the truth. To know where I stand. I have hopes and dreams, some that I am willing to let go for others, some I will cling to no matter what the costs. I wish I knew what I meant to him. He knows what he means to me, I tell him everyday and I try to show him as frequently. He asks me for honesty and I give it to him. Why is that too much to ask for in return? If he would just talk to me, he could say anything and I would listen with an open mind and an open heart. He asks me if I'm happy.... For the most part I am. I would be happy 100 % if we could just communicate. If he could just tell me where I stand, what he feels about me, if he is happy or not. 

I am tired of pain. It's been a lifetime of it. It's my turn to have some good karma, to be happy, I want to make him happy too. I want us to share our dreams with each other and help each other's dreams come true. I want to have dreams together, our dreams, dreams that we accomplish together. 

I know he's a little jaded, I know he's been burned before. I'm not the burning type. I wish he'd have faith in me. I wish he'd talk to me. He could just say anything. 

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Man.... Where are your BALLS?

How many times do a man's balls need to be handed to him on a platter before he grabs them back and takes the high road??? So far... 3... maybe 4... but... who's counting? right?? One word... GAH. What the hell am I talking about? well, I will tell you... I have a friend... no..... really.. this story IS about my friend.. well,... I am not sure if he is my friend anymore.. we'll see... but it's about him anyways.

OK... back story.
Last year my boyfriend, A introduced me to his inner circle of friends. A fellowship of musicians and music lovers alike. A group of middle aged men and a few women whom I had never met before but shared an instant bond with. A's friend D introduced me to his girlfriend..... and the drama regretfully began. Here was a woman I had known my whole life.. Since kindergarten. Here was a woman I had successfully avoided associating with since the day she slapped my face at my birthday party when I turned 10. Oh Joy!

There relationship had it's own back story which is not mine to share, but it was not a good nor a healthy one. Their relationship itself was far from healthy and loving. Every Saturday the fellowship of musical friends would get together and share their love of music and play. D would often be present as well. At first he would bring his girlfriend and then it would be just him. He would talk about issues in his relationship with all of us and we would all give him our attention and support. He was miserable. There were issues of control, physical and emotional abuse and manipulation in the relationship. Being as I knew  his girlfriend and knew the kind of person she was, I believed D's stories. They had a 'same old story' dejavu' kind of feel to them. D's girlfriend's character was evident to everyone. They all tried to be polite to her but gave her a wide berth at the same time. Then one day he announced that he broke up with her. The ole D had returned as if almost overnight. He was happy, smiling, dancing, and making merry. We were all thrilled. A and I were there for him in the lonely times too, listening to him when he talked about missing her, we took him out, re-introduced him to the singles dating scene and were always there for him.  D and I talked everyday. A and D talked everyday. A and I would share the conversations we had with D with each other.

Then one day it happened.... She came back. And she brought a storm of jealousy, hatred and distrust with her. It was a high school drama scene with a jealous girlfriend and a nasty one. I was accused of having more than a friendship with D and accused of sleeping with him. She called me up and threatened to tell A about how often D and I talked... etc... I told her to go ahead.
There was one thing she didn't seem to get. I was and am madly in love with A. I am not interested in another man. It wasn't just D and I that were friends, it was all of us. There was not a single conversation that I had with D I didn't talk to A about. D and I never had anything worth hiding. It was and is and always will be completely platonic.

D suddenly disappeared from the weekly music fellowship and no one heard from him anymore. If I text him, he would not answer. We saw him once around Christmas and even then he was on a short leash. She came with him and he was not seemingly 'allowed' to talk to me even then. We all mourned the loss of our friend. Horror stories were heard through the grapevine of their disastrously toxic relationship. We worried for his health, mental and physical. Things had not gotten any better. They seemed to have got worse.

Then once again.... She was gone. D came back with his tail between his legs and told us all about how he would never allow her or another woman to alienate him from his friends and his one true passion, music. Once again, it was A and I to the rescue. D was at our house almost nightly for music, dinner, games and darts. All the while the unhealthy conversations and tug of war continued with D and his 2x Ex. Things seemed to be finally moving forward for D though. He put himself on dating sites, packed up her stuff, cleaned his house.. He was waking up and remembering what it felt like to be alive, happy and content with himself again.

Then the 2x Ex came and got her things from his house.... which apparently included the bed and the couch. We forced our hand and kidnapped D on a nightly basis and made him sleep on our couch. D started going to counseling and was with the fellowship every weekend. He seemed to be able to breathe easier, everyone could. Then yet again... I got a text from D stating that she was back. AND just like that..... he lost his balls again. He's not allowed to talk to me, doesn't answer my texts. This evening SHE even text me in a response to a text I sent him... I mean REALLY???? What are we?? 16??? Are we putting up with C factor because the P factor is that good?????

What's the C factor and the P factor???? Ok... I'll tell you... but it might offend... It's the Pussy to Cunt factor.. How much pussy makes the cunt factor worth it???

the 2x ex now returned steals his phone and texts me and then erases it so he can't see, she erases my texts to him before he sees, she doesn't allow him to text me... etc.... I mean WTF? ok... his guy friends are in the clear.... but that's only because they have penises... Apparently my vagina is  a major threat to her. I guess I should feel honored that my vagina strikes the fear of god into a seemingly godless woman, but honestly I am offended. I am offended that my 'friend' would allow his girlfriend to run his life, make his decisions for him, control who he can be friend's with, I am offended that my 'friend' thinks so little of our friendship to allow this to continue. I am offended that this mentally immature emotional headcase of a woman is insulting my character as a person. Just because she has done some questionable things in her past that have harmed and hurt many that she has loved does not mean for a minute that I would do the same. The fact that we both have vagina's does not mean we are alike in any fashion.

Furthermore... what kind of MAN allows his girlfriend to run his life??? Where the fuck are his balls? I wonder if when they got back together he just dropped his drawers and ripped them off and handed them to her?! I bet she took them and put them in a strong box and buried it in an unmarked grave somewhere.

This stuff never ceases to amaze me. What  WE put ourselves through in the name of LOVE. I was in a physically, emotionally, mentally abusive relationship for years, others I know have sacrificed everything they are as an individual and even submitted to a written list of demands to change themselves to make their partner happy..And D... he cut off his own balls...repeatedly... All for the delusion of love. When are we going to learn that in order to be happy in a relationship we need to be happy with ourselves first? In order to love someone else we need to first love ourselves. Because if we are allowing others to abuse us, emotionally, physically, mentally.... we clearly have a skewed perception of ourselves that makes us think we deserve it... We don't truly love and accept ourselves if we are accepting the negative way others treat us as an appropriate action.

All I can say is I am glad. I am glad that I have put my life back together and I am at a point where I finally do love myself, flaws and all. Someone who's opinion I value greatly told me recently that A is my good karma payout. I couldn't agree more. I finally got what I deserve... Someone to treat me right, the way I want, desire and deserve to be treated. I can only hope that A regards me in the same light.

I hope that D truly wakes up one day and realizes that the 'relationship' he has now is not a good karma payout.... That he truly does deserve better. I hope he takes back his balls.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

If I were a wine, I'd be the kitchen sink.. A little bit of everything.

Marilyn Monroe once said " Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

I'm always the first to cave. When there is an argument whether or not I feel like I am right, I always ALWAYS apologize first because I hate the idea of someone I love being mad at me or worse, being hurt by me. I never like the idea of hurting anyone. I am the type of person that goes the extra mile for the people I love on a daily basis and I don't think twice about it. I don't necessarily expect it in return either but sometime it would be nice if someone took an extra step forward, it doesn't have to be a mile. I don't know if it is just something wrong with the way that I think or feel, but I have never felt as important to anyone else as they have been to me. I guess with the exception of my children that is.

Today I caved in a different way. I caved inwardly. I walked away without saying a word. I was hurt and instead of trying to talk about it, I walked away. I packed my car up and left. There were hugs when I left but my heart wasn't in it. There were many things left unsaid and I was too tired to try and explain, I felt as though my words were not being received. I felt bad. My heart was breaking as I walked away because I wanted so much to talk, I did not want to walk away from someone that I loved and leave them angry with me or hurt by me, but self preservation mode had kicked in. I flipped my sunglasses down off the top of my head so they covered my eyes so that no one would see me begin to cry.

Yes, I am sensitive and I think too much. I have always been that way. Many people berate me for it and tell me that it is a bad thing but I disagree. I think it makes me who I am and I am proud of who I am.I am a highly emotional person. I love passionately, I care deeply, I am loyal to a fault, I will cheer you on when you need it, I will lift you up when you have stumbled, I will hold you and wipe away your tears when your world is caving in, I will laugh with you, smile with you and stay up all night watching over you when you are sick. I will put aside any of my own needs to meet yours. I pour my heart and soul into every person that I meet in hopes of making their world a little better, a little brighter by having someone care about them.

I am sensitive. I hurt easily, I know this. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I will never understand people and people fail to understand me on a reoccurring basis. I think I am misunderstood on a daily basis. I build castles in my dreams while I sleep only to watch them crumble into dust in the morning when I wake. Sometimes I think I am too emotional for people. I love too much, care too deeply, which is where the cynical jaded me comes in. Sometimes it is easier to be that way then to care.

I think Marilyn Monroe said it best when she said, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

History

The dictionary defines history as the study of past events, particularly in human affairs. 

You can't compete with history. Don't try. Don't meddle in human affairs, especially those that came before you. They didn't involve you then and they certainly don't involve you now. Past relationships are much like the military. Don't ask, don't tell. Don't tell your new beau about your old one and certainly don't ask questions about theirs. AND sure as hell DON'T make things up to make your new partner feel like they are "better" than the last. It creates a false and unnecessary competition. There are reasons the last relationship didn't work and there are reasons that a new one exists. Don't compare your new partner to your old one, or rather, don't verbalize or communicate that comparison.

People change. I know that a lot of people will disagree with me, there is the saying after all that " a leopard can't change it's spots." well, that's all fine and dandy... We are humans, not leopards. Human beings completely regenerate their cells on average every 7 years. We CHANGE completely on the inside every 7 years. As humans we continue to believe in this basic fallacy that there is permanency in the world. The only thing constant and permanent is CHANGE. Why then do we base our relationships on the people that we were in the past? oh... that's right because history repeats itself.... mmhmm. RIGHT. Have fun with that one.

History is our past, it is part of our present and our future no matter how we would like to deny that simple fact. Our past, our history is part of what makes us who we are today.   We shouldn't take up permanent residency there though. There's that word again... permanent. Our past is meant to be in our past, we are meant to learn from it and move forward. If you have ended one relationship and began a new one, let go of the old one, take from it what you will and begin a new. Purge your heart and your life of the unnecessary reminders, unnecessary memories.

Don't compete with history and don't live there either. Move forward. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Integration

Love is a funny fickle thing. It's wonderous and scary, delightful and depressing. It's all about balance as well. When you find the person you feel like you have been waiting for your entire life, you need to be careful. Not careful that you are going to get hurt, that is not something you can protect yourself from. More so careful that you don't lose yourself. When you are in a new relationship you find yourself wanting to spend all your free time with your significant other... you can't get enough of each other... but what about the time you need for yourself? Your hobbies, your self care? What happens when you spend all your time integrating yourself into someone else's life? You lose the time and the connection you had with important friends and you lose bits and pieces of yourself with every passing day. There needs to be a balance.

 

Sunday, June 10, 2012

What do the car salesman and the bartender have in common?

No... this is not a clever joke with a gut busting punch line... It's a serious question. A few years ago I went out on a few dates ( if you could call them that) with a car  salesman, the one who sold me my car. AND... I tried my hand at hitting on a certain bartender I liked ( see: He didn't like James Taylor) anyways, neither of these men knew each other then, and they don't know each other now, but they DO have something in common.They both happen to be interested in and hitting on a very good friend of mine at the same time! I find this highly amusing. Not that they are hitting on her, that would be a no brainer, she is quite the catch.. Just that this two seemingly random men whom don't know each other from Adam, have found my friend at the same time.. Irony. I'm rooting for the bartender... yes.. even though he doesn't like James Taylor.. car salesman are shifty....

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Better than this

It doesn't get any better than this. I'm not going to write a sappy love sick blog, that's not my style. I will say this though. I am happy. I am dating someone who makes me laugh harder than I can ever remember laughing in my life. I am dating a wonderful man. He is respectful, caring, polite and considerate. He is real and honest and doesn't attempt to clothe the naked truth. It is very refreshing. He is artistic, creative, liberal and an environmentalist. There is a level of equality in this relationship that I have never encountered before in any of my past relationships. There is a level of mutual respect that I am unaccustomed to.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

JERSEY CAROLINA BRAZILIAN MAINER


(( I ripped this from my other soon-to-be-closed-down blog.. screw the diary))

To the girl that I love with all my heart, my best friend and confidant:

"Seize the day! YOU have the power to make your dreams a reality. You have the power to take that step to be with your one true love. Don't allow your fears to stop you. Trust in yourself and trust in the one you love. He will catch you. You will land without a scrape. Make your own destiny. Don't deny yourself the happiness you deserve. You are a beautiful remarkable strong intelligent woman, a wonderful mother and friend and you deserve some sunshine in your life.

Don't live your life knowing that you are with the wrong person, don't live your life paralyzed by your fears. Seize the opportunity while it is there and make something happen. I miss you terribly and I wish I could be there for you. I wish I could make everything the way it is supposed to be. Only you have the power to do that."

Things have changed for us both since I wrote this for you. I think we have grown and learned more about life. I am no longer pining away for the things that will never come to fruition in my life I am now content to live it day by day and I am happier than I have ever been. As corny as it sounds I have found myself again. I told you that if things didn't work in my favor I would be ok and I want you to know that I am. I am more than ok. I took it for what it was worth. 

I know I have not called lately and for that I am sorry love, but I have been centering my life and planting my feet back in the earth where they belong. I have cut ties and made choices that I can live with and that make me happy. I have made some new friends and found more value in those around me. I truly wish the same for you. I meant what I said about seizing the day. You need to find yourself and do what makes you happy in life. You are young, beautiful, intelligent and have a heart of gold. BUT....... You need to be true to yourself before you can be in a relationship and expect someone to be true to you. You need to do what is best for you and the boys. They are your future and your future is brilliant, EMBRACE IT!.

Be bold, be courageous. Be the change. 

TAKE A PAGE FROM MY BOOK.... LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH NO REGRETS.. NO WHAT IF'S.

EU TE AMO!!!!!!